Updated: Jun 15
There was a time in my life when I had no purpose, no value, no self-worth.
I had no understanding of self-love or self-care. I knew I was unhappy and missing something vital.
I knew I could accomplish more than I had I just didn’t know what it was.
I was not motivated.
I had no self-awareness or guidance to put my intelligence and loving heart into something healthy and positive.
Soooo what did I do?
I found a man! I found a friend of a friend to attach myself to.
He was emotionally unhealthy and had a girlfriend but he was cute and charming.
During this period in my life, I was drinking alcohol heavily. Partying. Hanging out at bars. Numbing life.
I hated my job. I hated the town I lived in. Had very few productive, healthy friends.
Worst of all, I had low self-esteem which allowed me to let my morals slip away.
At first, my time with this non-single man was all fun and giggles.
Eventually though, the feelings came.
Then there was pressure, lies, drama, and just a bunch of toxic unhealthiness.
I knew I deserved more than a half of a man. I was just emotionally stuck. I thought I was in love.
I was inside a bubble. I knew that on the other side of the bubble was freedom.
Not freedom from him per-say, but freedom from my own misery.
We did everything any normal relationship consisted of. We went on dates(out of town), we chilled, we had fun, we had arguments and make-ups.
The only thing we didn’t have was an honest, loving, public relationship.
We continued to sneak and hide our relationship.
Logically, I knew I didn’t want to be a secret. I didn’t want to hide my relationship. I didn’t want to share my time, my love, my heart with someone who shared all the above with someone else.
However, I convinced myself that I could change him. I could make him love ONLY me. I could make him into the man that met all of my needs.
It was easier for me to focus on HIS life and making him a better guy, than it was to focus on and to fix myself.
For a while it stayed a secret. Only people close to us knew. Then, what was done in the dark came to light.
His girlfriend found out. They split-up for short-time but eventually, she took him back and so did I.
This cycle repeated itself continuously until finally, he considered himself ‘single’ but with the promise that he was no longer entertaining the other woman.
Him and I took trips and pretended to be happy, but neither of us were truly content. I was miserable inside. I knew he was lying and sneaking with the ex. I pushed it to the background because “Hey, at least we don’t have to sneak anymore”.
Luckily, my desperation led me to a therapist. I told her my situation. I told her I wasn’t happy, I wanted out. I knew being in a “relationship” with someone who couldn’t decide between two women was not someone I wanted to spend my life with.
I knew morally I was wrong for participating in it.
He was wrong for cheating, and she was wrong for allowing it. (I told her on numerous occasions about our “situationship.” She chose to stay, as did I).
I learned from this situation that I can't control the behaviors, feelings, thoughts, or words of others.
I can only control my own.
I asked my therapist “What is wrong with me? Why am I in this situation when I know it’s not right? I’m not happy. I want out. It’s just not that easy to quit him. He’s like an addiction!!”
My therapist told me I was codependent.
Not in the sense that I had to be in a relationship. I didn’t need a man to support me financially either. I was very self-sufficient in that area.
I needed a man to attach myself to, to fill an emptiness I had inside. Not just any man would do though, I needed a project. A person to latch onto, so I could find his flaws and help fix them.
He was a man that charmed me, that made me feel wanted. He showered me with gifts, made me laugh, and held me. He did all of the previously mentioned but not when I needed them. I received those wants and needs on HIS time.
He was sensitive yet lacked the ability to feel empathy. He didn’t care about how I felt. He didn’t care about how the other woman felt. The only person’s feelings he cared about were his own.
Me, being the unhealthy woman that I was at the time, accepted it just to have somebody.
Everything was about HIM and nothing was about ME. I held onto hope. I held onto this fairy-tale that one day he’d leave the other woman alone (I’m sure there were more) and I’d be good enough to be his one and only.
How silly was that? My self-worth was so low I was hoping to settle.
On the advice of my therapist, I read several books on codependency. The results of my research helped me be more self-aware. I was able to be more insightful about my behaviors.
I was still in the tangled web of craziness, but I knew WHY. For me, that was half the battle.
My unhealthy situation lasted for many months. After many sleepless nights, several days of crying, yelling, screaming etc. due to his lies and so-called confusion.
I was tired.
Mentally, physically, emotionally drained. I got a call from a friend one day. She informed me the man I was dealing with was at his ex’s house. Yes, the girl he was originally cheating on with me, that he supposedly broken it off with.
You must understand that before this day, I had convinced myself that SHE was the problem and not him, therefore he wouldn't do me how he did her. LOL. WRONG!
Something inside of me clicked. It was like a light bulb turned on. I was DONE!!!
I didn’t even waste time calling to confront him. I just packed up his belongings and took them to his mother’s house. I knew that day that I had taken my heart back. I was FREE!
Free from my own lack of common sense for being in a toxic situation.
This was all my fault! I absolutely held myself accountable. I had realized that I am the author of my own book. I write the sentences on each page.
So with that power I decided to have that chapter of my story end that day.
I was confused still, not sure of my next steps in life but one thing I did know was that I had found some dignity.
After more therapy sessions, I stumbled upon a trained life coach. My therapist helped me become emotionally and mentally healthy. My life coach motivated the new, healthy version of me. I was still unhappy with my current career. She inspired me and showed me that this is what I wanted to do too. I wanted to empower people to love themselves like she had empowered me.
This was my purpose; to help others, like me, who were trying to fill a void in their life in the form of an unhealthy person.
I wanted to inspire others to find their own deep-rooted issues and work on correcting them. I wanted to empower men and women to find a purpose and to gain some value in their daily life.
Once a healthier mindset is in place, everything else changes: your mood, your outlook on life, your friends, your hobbies.
When those things change you’ll start making healthier choices in partners.
As far as how their story ended, that's not my concern.
For me, today, I surround myself with healthy, goal-oriented people.
I don't "party" or abuse alcohol.
I am perfectly okay with that.
This is my time to love on me. This is my time to do what I love and enjoy without waking up everyday chasing after a man for love.
My self-confidence has perked up completely. I help give the same sense of freedom to others.
I want people to know you are better than being lied to and cheated on.
There IS a person out there that will respect you, love you, and make sure your needs are met.
I don’t want you to spend your days looking in your partner’s phone to find evidence like I did.
I don’t want you to worry that every time (s)he leaves your home (s)he’s sneaking with someone else.
I want you to figure out what’s going on with you, deep inside, and correct it. Once that is
accomplished you can focus on finding your purpose. Everyone has one…
My purpose is helping you!
I spend my days doing what I love: writing blogs, hosting workshops and coaching clients.
I absolutely love myself. I know my worth. I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what I deserve.
I have the patience to wait on that healthy partner to complement me, not complete me.
If a person doesn’t match my fly, I don’t have time for them!
I'm aware that with this controversial topic, peoples’ opinions of me won’t all be positive. I’ve accepted that.
Even after claiming full accountability for my actions, there will still be judgments and name-calling. There will still be people who claim I still make those same immoral choices.
That’s okay too.
I know who I am.
I know what I do and what boundaries I stick to.
I know where I’m at in my life and where I’m going.
Other people’s opinions of me only matter if I allow them to stop me from my passion. They only matter if I allow them to bring me down and not get back up.
I’m not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. They have shaped me into the human being that I am today.
I didn’t get off easily. I also received my fair share of “karma” for my role; which included heartaches and headaches.
I learned and I grew.
Most importantly, if it weren’t for me being a secret girlfriend, I don’t think I would’ve found the courage to overcome fear and to become self-employed.
I don’t think I would’ve found full value in life.
It was one of the worst times of my life emotionally, however, I walked away a winner.
I gained self-love and self-employment.
The key is to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! I'm thankful I figured that out.
It changed my life!
Certified Life Coach
"Because you the sh*!
Strong. Honorable. Independent. True."